The facade

two_faced__by_r_becca

The thing about feeling miserable is that it is a conflicting jumble of emotions… you rationally know there are things to be grateful for and you know things will improve and you will feel better, but in the moments where all your emotions swim in a sea filled with too many cavities where everything just gets lost, it is nearly impossible to see the light.  I know I should be grateful but I don’t really give a shit.  I am completely and utterly miserable.

Packing up house and leaving everyone you love behind and then moving to another country 12000 km away will do that.  I knew I would miss home, I knew I would miss family ..work..friends.  Sitting at work utterly miserable all I feel is resentment.  The husband is fine, he is a marter, the perfect person that never does anything wrong. A real goody two shoes in every sense of the word.  He cares about everyone and is liked by everyone.. he is happy, enjoying work and the change.

I know, my words are filled with resentment, it’s not his fault, he didn’t drag me here against my will.  But I need someone to blame, and at times someone to hate.  It’s a terrible feeling. I adore him for all he is, but when he goes out to lunch and has fun with people from work, enjoys his days and looks forward to everything, my utterly miserable self just cannot deal with it.  I hate myself and him for it.  That’s wrong, I know this… my rational self can see this but my all controlling emotional self has taken over and is winning.

I have opted to just be silent, avoiding his questions with brief answers, I fear the resentment will filter through and he will see it and be hurt by it.  I don’t intentionally want to cause him concern or hurt… it’s very difficult. With imminent feelings of self destruction I fear I am a ticking time bomb. When the explosion finally happens I will leave everyone standing too close hurt and scarred.  Sigh, can’t have that happen

I just want to feel happy.. I don’t want to be miserable..

I want to mean it when I smile, at the moment everything is so false, so fake

Little girl lost

Sissel-Annett_Longing33

I have had a blog for the longest time… Thing is, once you have a blog where all your friends and family follow it, it looses it’s anonymity… hence me starting this blog.  It’s my space to vent, to write and release all the joy and hurt, the frustration and resentment I feel.  The ability to do that seizes when you are no longer invisible.  I have been in bed countless nights wanting to just get all the words out, only to not be able to do so as I fear the questions asked.  This is a new step to what I needed emotionally.. my dump ground.

I’m such a difficult person, people think I’m social but I absolutely hate big social encounters. The perception others have of me is so different to the one I have of myself.  It makes me feel like I’m going insane. Surely I should know better, or perhaps I have become an expert at hiding it too well, to the point where I don’t even realise I’m doing it.
 I’m just so lost… I’m too old to be lost. People my age have purpose, careers. They are successful, they are good parents. I am none of those things.  I was the kid at school that was book smart, but I’m not really smart. I studied very very hard and put a ton of pressure on myself to do well, but none of the good marks were a reflection of me being smart…
They were just an indication I studied my ass off.  I can’t remember much after grueling tests, I might be the dumbest person ever.  I went to college and kicked up in my 3rd year… why??  Because I met someone I didn’t find attractive, that I didn’t really love .. but he was persistent and I didn’t have enough back bone to say “no” sternly enough, so there went my virginity.  I was raised in a very religious family and though..there it is.. have to marry him now or else God will damn me to hell.
Not very smart hey.. clearly reflecting my lack of intelligence again.  Then I had 2 beautiful daughters..the loves of my life.. The one thing I could give back to life.  But time was fragile and after 16 years being with someone I just didn’t fit with my misery took over and I got divorced. Shocked the entire family that thought I had the perfect marriage, so scored more points in the mountains of “let downs” and stupidity.
I met my new partner ages ago.. have known him as long as I knew my ex husband.  he is an amazing man.  I work very hard not to screw this up, but can write volumes on my epic failure on achieving this in so many instances.
 Sigh…
 These posts are my venting files…