The thing about feeling miserable is that it is a conflicting jumble of emotions… you rationally know there are things to be grateful for and you know things will improve and you will feel better, but in the moments where all your emotions swim in a sea filled with too many cavities where everything just gets lost, it is nearly impossible to see the light. I know I should be grateful but I don’t really give a shit. I am completely and utterly miserable.
Packing up house and leaving everyone you love behind and then moving to another country 12000 km away will do that. I knew I would miss home, I knew I would miss family ..work..friends. Sitting at work utterly miserable all I feel is resentment. The husband is fine, he is a marter, the perfect person that never does anything wrong. A real goody two shoes in every sense of the word. He cares about everyone and is liked by everyone.. he is happy, enjoying work and the change.
I know, my words are filled with resentment, it’s not his fault, he didn’t drag me here against my will. But I need someone to blame, and at times someone to hate. It’s a terrible feeling. I adore him for all he is, but when he goes out to lunch and has fun with people from work, enjoys his days and looks forward to everything, my utterly miserable self just cannot deal with it. I hate myself and him for it. That’s wrong, I know this… my rational self can see this but my all controlling emotional self has taken over and is winning.
I have opted to just be silent, avoiding his questions with brief answers, I fear the resentment will filter through and he will see it and be hurt by it. I don’t intentionally want to cause him concern or hurt… it’s very difficult. With imminent feelings of self destruction I fear I am a ticking time bomb. When the explosion finally happens I will leave everyone standing too close hurt and scarred. Sigh, can’t have that happen
I just want to feel happy.. I don’t want to be miserable..